BEP FIC: Raining cats and Breadcrumbs NC17
Oct. 4th, 2006 01:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
niceandfluffy2BEP FIC: Raining Cats and Breadcrumbs
Pairing: SB/KU with DW
Rating: NC17
Summary: Dave goes exploring in his local library and discovers that books can be used for more than simply propping up a coffee table.
Warnings: This fic is EXTREMELY AU and contains random magic and flange. Incidentally, not intended to make any statement about any religion whatsoever.
Disclaimer: It probably goes without saying that this story is a work of fiction and really, really didn’t happen. Sexual inclinations of mentioned actors is purely for fictional purposes only.
Status: COMPLETED
This story forms part of the Breadcrumb Challenges and was written for Olinima - who is, I should mention, a librarian. They have far too much time on their hands to think up strange things to inflict upon me, obviously! However I fear that section D has not been done.. *sniff sniff*. This is partly because I lost the original challenge until just now and completely forgot about section D *thwaps self*
*
Original challenge: I would really like, as my proper challenge, a story in which our hero, Dave, is turned into a cute, ickle fuzzy kitten! How you go about this I leave entirely to your wonderfully wicked imagination but it must include: -
A) Karl looking after said kitty, with or without help/hindrance from any other random LOTR actors in the vicinity
B) the phrase “you’ll never get him down from there”
C) poor little Dave kitty being trapped under an empty ice cream carton (I am assuming here one of the big square ones, not the small round Ben and Jerry’s type but then I guess it depends how cruel you want to be...hehehehe)
and last, but possibly most difficult, D) A nice sweet fluffy slashy ending for Mr Dave and person/people of your choice...hehehehe...mmmm...fluff...hehehehe...
*
Karl wasn’t sure how it happened. Hell, would anyone know how it had happened? This sort of thing didn’t tend to exist outside of Disney films or the imaginations of children’s authors. People did not change shape. They just didn’t.
However, one thing was certain. Dave was gone, and there was a small, ginger kitten sitting where he once sat, looking up at him with big blue-green eyes and mewing. It was small and it was undeniably cute, and, more the point, it was a fucking cat.
Karl ran his hand through his hair, trying to think, to concentrate. Right, what exactly had happened here? Dave had come round as he normally did in the evening, bearing a box of chocolates and a large tub of raspberry ripple ice-cream which was apparently the favourite of the month. They had chatted, they had eaten, and then of course they came to the book.
The book was a first edition, apparently. Karl hadn’t been too surprised about this; it was old for chrissakes, old and dusty. The cover seemed to be made of some type of leather, the words seemingly carved into the front as though someone with a lot of time on their hands had taken a very sharp knife to it. The colours that were faded seemed to be of dyes rather than inks, all muted natural colours hinting back to nature. The pages were written on paper seemingly so old that Karl was worried it was going to disintegrate under his fingers when he turned the pages, although it lasted well enough. There was more than its fair share of dust, but then again old books had the corner on the dust market.
Dave had been extremely interested in the book, in his usual enthusiastic way. He had carefully turned each page as though he had a strict librarian standing over his shoulder brandishing a whip, and reverently touched the pictures that littered the pages with gentle fingers. Karl hadn’t really paid a huge amount of attention on it; hell, it was a book. Books should not feature in today’s exciting night life. They just shouldn’t.
He hadn’t paid a huge amount of attention to Dave’s muttering under his breath, and he was sure that there were far too many candles being lit for one day. The smell of something hung in the air but Karl had no idea what it was, and, quite frankly didn’t care either. The cry from the room had seized hold of his attention finally, and it was at that point where the kitten had made his acquaintance.
Man and cat eyed each other thoughtfully.
“ Okay…,” Karl ran his fingers through his hair and glanced towards the doorway. This had to be some sort of practical joke. People didn’t turn into cats. He was sure he had covered this theory before. No doubt Dave was hidden somewhere in the room and had borrowed some feline from a friend. After all, he was supposed to be getting his revenge back after the whole drinking game incident.
The kitten mewed impatiently, and took a few shaky steps towards him as though it wasn’t quite sure what to do with its paws. Karl eyed it again.
“ Dave!” he called out finally. “ You’d better get yourself here before I get really annoyed!”
The cat was giving him what looked to be an extremely pissed off expression and mewed again. Karl wagged a finger at it, the kitten watching the finger in fascination or possibly wondering how easy it was to pounce on.
“ That’s enough from you. I’m not feeding you,”
The kitten mewed its annoyance of this and wobbled some more. Karl sighed and looked around the room. No Dave approached. Hazel eyes looked back at the cat again suspiciously.
” Okay,” he crouched and lowered his voice. “ I know you’re not Dave. Because it’s impossible. But if it wasn’t impossible – which it is – you’d be able to understand me. And therefore you can meow once for yes and twice for no, okay?”
The kitten mewed once and stopped, watching him. Karl’s eyes narrowed even further, his body moving closer to the kitten as though embarrassed to be seen near it.
“ No, that’s too easy,” he muttered. “ You could just be meowing. Meow …. Five times,”
Karl wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to feel when the cat did meow five times, but what happened was a feeling of disbelief. The kitten had done it, without hesitation or even pause for thought. What were the chances?
“ And now four times?” he croaked. Again, the cat performed effortlessly. Karl groaned. “ Dave?”
Meow. One for yes, two for no. And, knowing Dave, three for ‘I want some food NOW’. Karl sighed heavily and shook his head, staring at the kitten who had put its head on one side and was studying him. “ What the hell did you do?”
The kitten wobbled back to the book and glanced back at him in a cute and fluffy way. A fat paw swiped the pages back before the kitten jumped entirely on the book and stood on a paragraph, looking back at Karl. Karl squinted at the appropriate page.
“ Polymorphing?” he read slowly. “ You are kidding, right?”
Meow meow. If cats could meow sarcastically, Dave would be doing it. Karl rolled his eyes and pondered a little further.
“ So which is the right page for turning you back?”
The kitten looked embarrassed. Karl looked at him and frowned.
” You did check that you could get turned back, didn’t you?” he said slowly. There was a little kitten shrug and the cat jumped off the book, turning to look at him. The little wobbly legs were becoming stronger by each movement. Karl picked up the book and quickly scanned the page, taking in absolutely nothing. It took a few moments before he realised that the f's were to be read as an s.
Dave curled up and watched him as Karl paced around, reading it. Kitten eyes moved back onto the tub of ice-cream which had been left on the table. Blue-green eyes narrowed.
“ Well, this is useless,” Karl flicked another page. “ It’s all messing around and changing and poisons and something to do with a creature that looks like it was found in the arse-end of the world. And the grammar is appalling! And are these ingredient lists? Where d’you go to get …,” there was a pause and a frown. “ .. shaved beaver tusks? Do beavers even have tusks? And furthermore – GET DOWN FROM THE TABLE, CAT,”
Dave slinked back to the floor, obviously muttering kitty curses. Karl glared at him then back at the book. There was an annoyed sigh, and the book was dropped on the table.
” That’s it. This really isn’t my thing,” Karl rubbed his chin thoughtfully and moved towards the telephone. “ I’ll call Viggo. He’s a book man,”
Kitten suddenly inserted itself between Karl and the phone. The Kiwi stared at the little Australian kitten in surprise as the cat jumped up onto the table and hissed at him.
“ Dave! Come on, you know I can’t do this by myself!” Karl protested. “ Stop being silly,”
Karl reached for the telephone and hand suddenly got little kitten teeth in it. There was a yelp and the phone was dropped, the man staring at Dave incredulously.
” You bit me!” he protested. The kitten stuck out its tongue and yawned, a sleepy yawn which showed lots of little sharp kitten teeth. It was also completely adorable, but then again that was normally an essential part of being a kitten. Karl rubbed his hand and stared at the cat grumpily. “ You got a better idea, animal?”
There was a shuffle of paws. Karl made a satisfied noise.
“ Didn’t think so. And there’s something else you forgot, Dave,” Kitten was suddenly scooped up with one hand and marched towards the sofa, being thrown on it. “ I’m much bigger than you. You misbehave, you’re in a box, okay?”
Dave bounced on the sofa cushion and straightened his body, staring after him anxiously. Karl picked up the phone, grabbed the little list of telephone numbers and started dialling. After a few rings, the phone was picked up.
“ Yeah?”
Okay, as far as Karl knew, Viggo really hadn’t managed to develop a Yorkshire accent. He glanced down at the pad in confusion, comprehension only dawning when he realised that he never did quite work out which number was Viggo’s and which was Sean’s, having obtained them both when he was too pissed to take notice.
“ Sean?”
“ You phoned me, mate. Yeah, it’s Sean. That sounds like Karl,”
“ Sorry, yes it’s me. Uh… don’t suppose you know where Viggo is, do you?” Karl shrugged to Dave, who was currently curled up again, and then focused on the phone.
“ He’s filming Helms Deep. Been in a seriously pissy mood for the last three days due to lack of sleep and someone hitting him on the head with an axe, although I suppose that’s fair enough. Want me to ask him to phone you when I see him?” Sean sounded a little bored of the whole conversation, as though he had been asked to be Viggo’s secretary so many times in the past he was going to get his own stationary printed. Karl hesitated. Well, Sean wasn’t ideal, but at least he was someone.
“ Actually, I was wondering whether you could help,” he said slowly, trying to ignore the kitten who had moved his head up and was watching him cautiously. “ Can you come over?”
“ What, now?” Sean seemed a little taken aback.
“ Yeah. Kinda important.”
” How long is it going to take? I’ve got a footie match on in about an hour. Almost live, too,” Sean sounded suspicious. Karl shrugged to the invisible audience.
“ I don’t know, but you could watch it here,” he suggested. There was a weary sigh on the other end of the phone.
” Oh, okay,” replied Sean crossly. “ But you better have some beer in,”
“ Your wish is my command,”
” And you can stop talking like a twat as well,” Sean grumbled. “ I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes,”
“ But it only takes ten,” Karl pointed out.
“ And?” There was a particular tone in Sean’s voice. Karl sighed.
“ Okay, see you then,”
The kitten was giving him a glare full of accusation when he put down the phone. Karl gestured impatiently.
” What?” he snapped. “ You got yourself into this mess, remember. Not me,”
Dave yawned again and settled on the sofa. Karl sighed and sat down beside him, Dave scooting onto his lap and curling up in a little furry hot waterbottle way. Karl’s hand absent-mindedly started to stroke soft kitten fur, feeling the vibration as Dave began to purr. Little claws dug into thigh as the cat kneaded him in satisfaction.
” Dave…,” warned Karl. Kneading stopped. Dave contented himself with a vast amount of purring, his eyes slowly shutting, the warm of the cat seeping through Karl’s clothes and heating his leg. It was twenty minutes before the front door sounded, and kitten had to be scooped off and placed carefully on the sofa, Dave looking up with blinking eyes.
Apparently not believing Karl on the level of alcohol available, Sean had come armed with a crate of beer himself. There was a particular look in the Englishman’s eyes that suggested that this was possibly not the greatest timing in the world, his hair ruffled and unkempt, his t-shirt untucked and looking like it could benefit from an iron. There was a stain on the front of his jeans, and one of his shoelaces had started to unravel.
“ Okay, what’s the problem?” Sean took one step into the room and frowned. “ What the hell is that smell?”
“ Smell?” Karl had completely de-tuned his nose.
“ Yeah, something perfumey with a hint of … I don’t know, spices?” Sean shrugged and plonked the crate onto the table. “ Didn’t think you were into that sort of thing,”
“ I’m not. Dave is, though,” Karl scratched the back of his neck. Sean snorted laughter and pulled out a can of beer, his amused green eyes falling onto the younger man in front of him.
“ But he ain’t here, is he?” he drawled.
“ Not exactly,” Karl searched for a way to describe the circumstances. However, Sean had already seen the kitten and was looked puzzled towards it.
“ You got yourself a cat?” he asked idly.
“ Not exactly either,” Karl said awkwardly. “ Dave, come here,”
The kitten gave him a look which suggested that certainly the wrong person was busy giving orders, but moved to his paws, yawned widely again, stretched, and wandered towards Sean. The Brit scooped up the kitten as he came closer, a soft look in his eyes. Dave nuzzled up to his chest and mewed in an extremely cute manner.
“ No, you’re not having one of the beers,” said Karl crossly. A sulky look crossed the kitten’s face at this. Sean glanced at him.
“ You called the cat ‘Dave’?” he said in amusement. “ Okay, so it’s ginger, but there’s no way Wenham’s that cute and innocent, mate. Ow!”
Kitten almost got dropped as claws suddenly inserted themselves in Sean’s arm. Karl sighed and took hold of the kitten, Dave immediately scrambling up his t-shirt to be able to perch on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, looking at Sean. Sean raised an eyebrow as he rubbed his arm.
“ It’s well trained,” he said grudgingly.
“ It’s Dave,”
” Yes, you said. Stupid name for a cat. Should be something like.. I don’t know, Tiddles or something,” Sean shrugged. There was a mew of disgust from the cat, who obviously was on a Tiddles free diet. Karl shook his head.
” No, you don’t understand. This cat is Dave Wenham,”
“ And my left shoe is actually Orlando Bloom in disguise. The right one is Billy,” Sean opened the can and took a long swig. “ look, you want to play silly buggers, that’s fine by me. Just get me drunk first, okay?”
Karl sighed heavily. “ Dave, meow six times will you?”
The cat meowed obediently. Sean’s can paused, green eyes watching the kitten in some surprise.
“ Very clever. Keep this up and you can get him his own show. What’s it supposed to prove?” there was a faint smile on Sean’s lips. Karl gestured towards the book.
” Dave borrowed a few books from that new library that opened up, the one with the cellars and the dodgy decorations. Apparently he accidentally set off a polymorph spell,” Karl attempted to keep his voice level but it was difficult with Sean giving him a look that suggested that the blonde had serious doubts about Karl’s sanity.
” A polymorph spell?” he echoed slowly.
” Changes self,” explained Karl.
“ And you’re expecting me to believe this? You brought me all the way here for a joke and a performing cat?” Sean shook his head in exasperation and took another sip of beer. David mewed a few more times. Sean eyed him thoughtfully.
“ Let me guess. Some kid’s fallen down the well?” he suggested. The kitten jumped off of Karl’s shoulder and landed on the table, giving Sean a look that was surely reserved for anything small and squeaky. Karl shook his head.
“ Honestly, Sean. I’m not making this up. Dave! Do something more impressive,”
The kitten looked at him. Karl waved a hand.
” I dunno, fetch something that Sean requests. Roll over. Yes, I know you’re not a dog but that’s hardly…,” Karl trailed off as the kitten disappeared towards a familiar bag near the seat. Comprehension cleared on the Kiwi’s face. “ The laptop! Perfect!”
Sean drank another few gulps of beer as Karl busily set up the laptop, watching him thoughtfully. Finally it was set up. The kitten slowly and carefully placed paws on the keyboard. Given the size of the paws and the size of the buttons, the delete key was used far too much.
“ F… U… C…. K…,” read Sean. “ O...F….F. Charming cat you have there, Karl.”
“ I’m impressed it wasn’t ‘feed me’,” commented Karl idly. “ Believe us now?”
Sean hesitated. “ People can’t turn into kittens!” he protested.
“ I know that. You know that. Dave knows that. However, the universe apparently changed the rules when we weren’t looking,” replied Karl patiently. “ All I know is he’s cute and fluffy and really not going to be fitting in the Faramir costume in two days time. We need some help,”
” You certainly do. And I’m really not it,” Sean raised an eyebrow. Karl shook his head.
” It’s okay, I’ll go back to the library and get some more books out and see if we can find a reversal spell or whatever you need,”
“ You mean it’s not in that book?” Sean looked a little baffled. Karl shrugged.
” Perhaps it’s in volume II of How To Ruin Your Life,” he suggested. “ Anyone who wants to start turning people into animals is probably not playing with a full deck anyway. Sensible suggestions need not apply. I mean, this author doesn’t even have an index. Do you realise how long this is going to take me?”
” About a football match,”
“ Does your mind focus on anything else when you have one of those matches in your sights?”
” Not normally.” Sean was about to continue when there was a thud and a yowl from the table. The ice-cream tub, which was now upside down on the floor, started to shuffle across the floor leaking melted ice-cream like a snail’s trail. Karl growled to himself and stalked towards the tub, seizing hold of it and pulling it off. Dave peered upwards, ice-cream in his fur and whiskers, looking more than a little sheepish. Karl sighed to himself and looked back at Sean.
“ I’m going back to that library where he got the damn thing from,” he said. “ You watch the cat and wash him,”
“ He can wash himself!” protested Sean, waving a hand towards the kitten who had already started licking off the ice-cream with a little pink kitten tongue. “ And what the hell d’you expect to find there? And don’t say books, either!”
“ Something! If nothing more than something to be able to translate or give us an idea or something,” Karl was already walking towards the door. Sean stared after him.
“ You’re going after The Idiots Guide to the Occult?!”
“ Seems appropriate, don’t you think? Watch that cat!” Karl looked back at him with a dubious expression, then disappeared off. Sean sighed heavily and looked back at the cat who was on the second paw of ice-cream goodness.
“ Well,” he said, taking in the television in his glance. “ Let’s see what we can do in the meantime, eh?”
*
By the time Karl got back they were in the final ten minutes and Sean was on the edge of the sofa, watching avidly. Dumping the books on the nearby table, the younger man frowned at the scene. Sean, being Sean, hadn’t even bothered to glance at the door when it opened.
“ Where’s Dave?” he queried. Sean groaned as the ball went offside, and glanced back at him in a manner that suggested he wasn’t entirely sure who Dave was. Green eyes suddenly looked to the other end of the sofa, where a little white stain from dried ice-cream proclaimed the fact that a kitten had once sat there. Sheepish eyes turned back to Karl.
“ Guess he didn’t like the football,” he suggested. Karl growled at him and stalked towards the bedroom.
” Dave? Dave? Dave!” He occasionally bent down, trying to see under tables and in kitten sized holes. Karl straightened and looked around the room again. “ Dave, get your little furry backside out here NOW,”
Kitten refused to turn up. Teeth were ground. He stalked back to the living room where Sean actually bothered to glance up, query in his eyes.
” Found him?” he asked. Karl shook his head. Sean shrugged. “ Well, he can’t be too far. The door hasn’t been opened. Did you check the-“
There was a crash from the kitchen.
“ I am going to kill that animal!” Karl stalked towards the kitchen, leaving Sean to finish his football match. Two cupboard doors were still open, a splattering of what appeared to be flour lay on the floor with a little track of paw-prints leading through it. Two tins had been pushed out of the cupboard to lie forlornly on the floor, and there was still rummaging occurring in the cupboard.
The door was seized and opened fully. The kitten, his face white with flour, looked up startled. There was a pause, followed by a hesitant mew. Having grabbed hold of the kitten by the scruff of the neck, Karl yanked him out. Dave looked sulky as he was hoisted to an eye to eye position.
” Look, cat,” Karl growled. “ You want to stay the rest of your life as a feline, fine! If you don’t, start giving me a little help, okay?”
Dave was close enough for the little pink tongue to dart out and lick Karl on the nose. The man sighed, and carried the kitten out the kitchen, Dave scrambling a little bit as he worked out that he was being moved ever further away from sources of food. Hazel eyes fell on the television screen.
” Hasn’t that finished yet?”
“ Extra time,” Sean lounged back in the chair and took another swig of beer. His eyes fell on the messy kitten. “ You found him I see,”
“ No thanks to you, I notice,” Karl dumped the cat next to the Brit and moved towards the books on the table, getting hold of one and pulling it towards him. A ripped piece of paper fluttered to the floor where it was automatically pounced upon by Dave, who seemed to be a targeted missile to anything that moved. Karl detached kitten from paper and sighed.
“ What’s that?” Sean glanced at him briefly before moving his eyes back to the screen. Karl grinned to himself.
“ That would be the librarian’s number. You’re not supposed to take more than three books out at a time,” he started to flick through the first of the books without a huge amount of interest. He was aware of green eyes looking at him quizzically, and sighed. “ Hey, librarians have desires too you know. Who knows what they get up to in their spare time whilst waiting for people to take out books? For all we know they could be reading dodgy stories on the internet,”
“ Uh huh,” Sean sounded unconvinced, but his gaze never left the screen. “ Sure you couldn’t have gotten her to check for you?” There was a pause. “ It was a her, wasn’t it?”
” Yes, it was a her, Sean,” there was an element of growl in Karl’s voice. Sean shrugged and continued to watch his game whilst flicking occurred in the background.
Half an hour later, Karl was feeling more than a little frustrated. The books seemed to have been written solely to ensure that there was limited amount of information spread across hundreds of pages. Sean, whose game had finally finished, was ploughing his way through one of the other books which had least had some pictures, even if they were extremely disturbing. Dave was sat on the table, watching them and occasionally bopping a fat paw on a page if he hadn’t finished reading it yet.
Two hours later, Karl was extremely frustrated. The damn thing wasn’t giving him any real idea on what happened and certainly not how to change little Dave back, and it was causing him to have eye strain. He glanced down at Sean who had moved his book to the floor so he could lie on his stomach, reading in vague comfort. Dave was curled up in the small of Sean’s back, fast asleep. Karl gave him a hard look; typical. He spends all his time trying to save Dave from a life of catching mice and coughing up furballs, and Dave chooses someone else to use as a pillow.
His eyes fell back on the book he had been reading. Eyes narrowed. The paragraph was re-read, then read again.
“ I think I’ve got something,” he said finally and a little incredulously. Sean, who had obviously been on the point of dozing, jerked his head up and stared at him in confusion.
“ What?” he yawned and blinked at him sleepily. Dave also raised his head slowly, yawning widely and stretching his front paws out. Unfortunately the rise of Sean’s arse was directly in front of him and therefore little kitten claws suddenly buried themselves in sensitive areas. There was a yelp from Sean, who at least was now fully awake.
Karl re-read the paragraph. “ I think I’ve found a spell to change him back,” he said. Sean frowned a little harder.
” Spell?” he echoed dubiously. “ Does this look like an episode of Buffy to you?”
“ You know a better way to change a cat into a man?” Karl raised an eyebrow. Sean had to concede the point. Dave lifted himself off Sean’s back and jumped onto the floor, trotting up to Karl and looking up at him with eager blue eyes. Karl resisted the urge to ruffle soft kitten fur, and looked back at the list which was presumably the ingredients.
“ I think we might need to go shopping,” he mused.
“ Shopping?” Sean stared at him incredulously. “ Where to? The local voodoo bar?”
“ Most of this seems to be herbs and stuff you can find in those alternative medicine stores,” Karl was quick to assure him. “ Although…,” he hesitated. Sean was aware of hazel eyes moving onto him in assessment.
“ What?” Sean asked suspiciously. Karl weighed it in his mind then shook his head. Sean could find out later, and then they would see whether his commitment was genuine. He was aware of Dave looking at him quizzically, then put a bookmark in the right place and snapped the book shut.
“ Nothing. Let’s go shopping,”
*
An hour later they were stood at the bottom of a tree, staring upwards. It hadn’t been too stressful up until now, although somewhat expensive. Certain items were just not common, surprisingly enough, and this wasn’t likely to change until some famous chef decided to start including these ingredients in their day to day recipes. However, they had found everything.
Including a dog.
The dog hadn’t been requested, in all honesty. It had been wandering around, enjoying the sights and the sounds, when Dave had proved too irresistible for such canine temperaments. Dave had immediate cat reactions to such a large hairy and barking creature hurtling towards him and had vanished from Karl’s shoulder towards the safety of a large tree, where he now sat, blinking down at them.
Sean scratched his head.
” You’ll never get him down from there,” he commented towards Karl. Dave attempted to shuffle along the branch a little more, then lost his balance and clung on tighter, mewing his dislike for the whole situation. Karl eyed the tree. It was a large one, with plenty of strong thick branches. However, it was also extremely close to concrete. One slip and they were looking at a hard blow to the whatevers, and surely there was some age limit to when you were supposed to be climbing trees?
The cat stared down at them as Karl shifted directly below him, trying to keep a warm smile on his person.
“ Come on, Dave,” he soothed. ”You can do it,”
“ He bloody well can’t,” came Sean’s murmur behind him. The Brit got a kick on the shin for that little comment before Karl’s attention returned onto the cat.
“ Come on. Just jump. I’ll catch you,” Karl’s voice was soothing. Sean snorted laughter and got another kick on his shin for his trouble. He coughed and shrugged out of his coat, offering it to Karl pointedly. Karl looked at the coat, then looked at Sean, then looked at the coat again. The kitten mewed pitifully in the trees.
“ What, my t-shirt offending you or something?”
Sean sighed and physically put Karl’s hands on one side of the coat whilst he held the other. The makeshift safety net was placed firmly underneath the kitten who eyed it uncertainly.
“ Keep your side loose. If it’s too tight he’ll just bounce off,” advised Sean and looked up at the kitten. “ Come on, furball. Jump.”
There was a doubtful mew.
“ No, we’re not getting any fire-fighters to get you down. Get your perverted kicks somewhere else,” Sean suddenly realised he was getting a strange look from a passer-by and gave said woman a glare. “ What?”
The passer-by disappeared swiftly. Sean rolled his eyes and transferred the glare back to the kitten where it rightfully belonged. Dave was balancing along the branch, his paws carefully navigating the route with little claws sticking in every so often. It was right what they said. Cats were almost organic Velcro.
“ Furry arse down here now,” snarled Sean.
“ Here Davey, Davey, Davey,” added Karl, who felt a bit of good cop, bad cop was necessary. “ I’ll get you ice-cream,”
There was a mew. Karl sighed.
“ With a chocolate flake,”
There was another mew.
“ And sprinkles, okay?”
Sean eyed him incredulously. “ You speak pussy now?”
“ Now that’s a comment that really doesn’t need any additional comments,” replied Karl dryly. He pulled the coat a little more and aimed his attention back up to the ginger kitten still clinging onto the tree branch. “ Dave! We’ve got stuff to do, for god’s sake!”
The kitten stuck out its tongue. Karl opened his mouth to retort when the little cat took a step backward, its paw slipping on a branch. There was a frantic mew, fluff flying and claws windmilling, and the cat bounced onto the safety net with a little hiss of displeasure. Sean grabbed the other end of the coat and made it into a makeshift bag, before giving a nod to Karl.
“ Right. Cat in bag. Let’s go,”
“ Is he okay in that?” Karl was suspicious. Sean rolled his eyes.
“ He can breath through the button holes. Come on,” Thankfully the house wasn’t too far away which was just as well with a little clawed whirlwind occurring in Sean’s coat. Growling in the back of his throat, Sean struggled as best he could; as soon as the door shut behind them, small cat was dumped in the centre of the floor. Sean moved towards the sofa and switched on the television.
“ There,” he said. “ I assume you don’t need me anymore, so I’ll just watch the footie results and get out of your hair. Or fur. Or whatever,”
Karl put the bag on the table and didn’t say anything. Green eyes slid to where he was stood suspiciously. A silent Karl was about as rare as a perfumed skunk.
“ You have ingredients. You have book. You have cat. What more could you possibly want?” Sean sank back on the sofa and opened a can of beer, focusing back on the television. However, when the lights dimmed his attention was re-seized again. “ What on earth are you doing?”
“ Candles,” explained Karl, who was already busy setting things up on the table. There was a grump from the sofa before Sean settled back to watch the television. Candles and occult things were almost married together.
“ Using them to mix the stuff together?” he asked idly. He had no idea how they were supposed to create this “spell” but he assumed it was probably close to a cooking recipe, just without the annoying TV chefs and pastry that wouldn’t rise for love nor money nor baking powder.
“ Mood lighting,” Karl lit the next candle and scooped up the kitten who had come over to investigate. “ No. Bad Dave. Go sit on Sean,”
Cat was plonked on Sean’s lap. Two sets of sulking eyes aimed themselves at Karl before Dave curled up on Sean’s lap and went to sleep. Ten minutes later the cat was definitely fast asleep, Sean was so immersed in his football that a bomb could go off and he’d never hear it, and Karl was almost ready. Right.
“ Sean, I need you to help with the ritual,”
Nothing. Not even a glance around. Karl sighed and walked over to the television. Sean finally came back to life with the press of a button, which at least was a hell of a lot easier than getting a huge amount of ingredients sorted. Furious green eyes aimed themselves at the man who had dared switch off football.
“ Does it have to be now?!” he protested. Little kitten claws sank into his thigh in protest. “ OKAY! Okay, fine! What do you need?”
Silently, Karl removed Dave, who sat in the little circle that Karl had drawn on the floor and looked at them in interest. Grabbing hold of the book and the paper bag that contained the mix, Karl frowned at the words and tried to ‘focus his energy’. He wasn’t entirely certain what was happening but he was certain his energy was telling him to piss off. Reading off the first few lines of the book and sounding as though he was about to spray someone with saliva, the freshly ground ingredients were sprinkled over Dave. There was a little kitten sneeze.
“ Sean. Need you to do the last part of the ritual,” Karl said in a low voice. Sean raised an eyebrow in query. “ Get out of your clothes,”
There was a long pause whilst Sean tried to work out exactly what just happened. Finally he sat a little straighter on the sofa, ran his tongue over his bottom lip, and focused his entire attention onto Karl.
“ What?” he asked softly.
“ I need you to strip and come over here,” Karl’s hands were already busy on his own clothing, unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off. He was aware of the full attention of both man and kitten on him and sighed. “ Come on. Would I be doing this if it wasn’t necessary?”
“ Based on your reputation, actually yes,” Sean frowned at him. “ What the fuck are you doing?”
“ It’s part of the ritual…,” Karl trailed off at the sudden thought. “… reputation? I have a reputation?”
“ You certainly do and based on what you’re doing at the moment I can see why,” Sean advised. “ Give me one good reason to do this,”
“ It’s in the book,” Karl waved a hand at the offending tome. Sean sighed.
“ I said a good reason,”
However, obviously they were in luck. Grumbling, Sean stood up and finally began to strip with extreme amounts of reluctance. Dave watched in interest from the floor until Sean’s t-shirt ‘accidentally’ flopped directly on top of him. With a little mew of protest, the kitten backed out of the offending clothing tent and almost managed to get himself out the circle if it wasn’t for Karl’s foot carefully pushing him back in with a toe under the furry backside.
Finally they were naked, the candlelight flickering off their bodies. Dave’s whiskers twitched, the little cat sitting back in interest. Sean raised an eyebrow.
“ Okay,” he commented idly. “ What next?”
Karl straightened his back and shoulders and looked at Sean with a firm, steady gaze that was supposed to be imposing but which probably ended up a little too Marlon Brando. Okay. This wasn’t going to do his reputation any good .. or, rather it would do. Just increasing it. Crossing over to Sean, Karl kept his back straight, his shoulders fixed and pleasant smile on his face and-
“ Oh you have to be kidding me,”
“ What?!” Getting blamed for something he hadn’t yet started was new even for Karl. The pleasant smile reduced back to the sulky expression of old time. Sean gave him a winning smile.
“ Nothing, Just tell me what you have planned is something innocent,” he said steadily.
Karl frowned at him. “ How many nude things do you know which are innocent?” he protested. Sean shrugged.
“ Guess that depends on where you holiday,” he replied idly. There was a moment of silence, then Karl waved a hand.
“ Okay. So it’s not strictly speaking innocent. BUT it’s necessary. We have to produce life force,”
Sean looked at him for a long period of time.
“ Tell me, was that supposed to scare or reassure me?” he commented dryly. There was a little mew from the floor. “ And you can keep out of it. If you kept your little cold nose out of strange books then we wouldn’t have this problem would we?”
There was another little mew that could probably gain a movie an X rating. There were some things that just didn’t need translating. Sean eyed the cat then looked Karl up and down.
“ Life force?” he echoed dubiously. “ Are we talking….?” There was a hand gesture to the relative area. Karl gave a nod. Sean sighed wearily. “ What are we, sperm banks?”
“ Hopefully not, I’m still using mine,” Karl replied dryly. “ Come on. Here, drink something,” Sean gave him a startled look. Karl sighed. “ Alcohol based drink,”
“ Oh.” Well, that was better than the ‘freshly squeezed’ version. Sean shrugged, looked at the beer and decided that he probably needed something a hell of a lot stronger. “ Where’s the alcohol cupboard?”
“ Kitchen,” Karl replied and scooped up the kitten. “ And you have to stay here.”
Dave squirmed and protested loudly at these obviously anti-kitten sentiments but there was very little he could do. After rummaging and tinkling in the kitchen, Sean re-emerged with a large bottle of whisky and a couple of pint mugs. Karl’s voice was completely stolen at the sight.
“ How much are you planning to drink? Should I be insulted?”
“ Call it additional lubrication. Speaking of which,” Sean tossed a tube of what appeared to be processed cheese on the sofa. “ there you go.”
Cat and man studied it carefully. Well, the man did. The cat had to jump up and down a bit in order to see properly. Karl waggled a finger towards the tube as though there was some doubt as to its existence.
“ So what’s the cheese for?”
“ It’s not cheese,” Sean was already three mouthfuls into the whiskey. “ Incidentally, anyone who sticks cheese in a tube is a dangerous force against nature and should be whacked. That, my dear little wanna be occultists, is strawberry flavoured lube,”
Karl frowned at him. “ Why do you have strawberry flavoured lube?” he asked suspiciously.
“ Don’t ask me. That’s your kitchen in there. It was with the alcohol and some random plastic thing that looked like it had just been ripped off a kid’s toy,” Sean shrugged. “ Whiskey?”
Karl slowly shook his head. The kitten had its head on one side, thinking though things. Obviously if there was anything cuter than a kitten trying to remember where it had left its last tube of strawberry lubrication, he didn’t know about it. There was a succession of five fast mews which signified that Dave had finally remembered, which wasn’t entirely that comforting.
“ Keep Dave away from the lube,” Sean added, passing over the whiskey. “ Fur is unlikely to mix well with it. Anyway, you were telling me about this whole life force thing. I assume we’re not talking a quick y’know with a porn mag,”
“ You old romantic,” replied Karl dryly. “ No. It’s got to be a good form of ‘life force’ not a … by-product,”
“ Trust me, when I pick up a porn mag that part is hardly a by-product,” Sean raised an eyebrow. “ And can we stop calling it a life force, I feel like I’m featuring in ET. So go on then. How d’you want to do this?”
“ Well, isn’t it obvious?”
“ Karl, with you nothing is obvious,” replied Sean dryly. “ Come on. What’s the plan to get this whole fluffy wholesome gunk you’re after?”
Dave mewed a suggestion. They both looked at him. The kitten sulked in the middle of the circle when it was clear his laptop wasn’t coming to him, and rolled over with both paws in the air. Sean blinked.
“ We have to act dead?” he hazarded. “ Karl, this cat of yours needs a brain transplant,”
“ I think he wants someone to surrender. You know, give up. Be taken advantage of.” Karl frowned at the kitten. “ Or he’s tired. I can’t read whisker sign language,”
Sean studied the kitten. “ I think that was ‘fuck you’,” he said helpfully. The kitten mewed again in satisfaction and rolled back over to stand on little legs, looking at them with his head tilted slightly.
“ So?” Karl stepped forward and stroked a hand down Sean’s chest. Sean looked from kitten to Karl then at the hand on his chest incredulously.
“ Newsflash for you, Urban,” he growled. “ I don’t do the whole surrender thing,”
“ I’m bigger and tougher than you,” pointed out Karl.
“ I fight dirtier than you do,” replied Sean dryly. “ Called experience of age, that. So if you don’t want to find yourself all groaning on the floor, I suggest you rethink the whole surrender thing. Or at least re-cast it,”
They eyeballed each other for a moment, Karl sucking on his bottom lip in thought. Finally there was a pointed mew from their feet where Dave was obviously glaring at them. Sean rolled his eyes, then jumped as kitten claws raked across his shin.
“ Hey!” he jabbed a finger towards the kitten, who hissed his swearwords and scuttled to stand behind Karl. “ I’m doing you a favour here kitty cat. No hissing or clawing or I’m gonna have a kitten sandwich, okay?”
“ Wow. You sweet talker you,” sighed Karl. Well, someone was going to have to give up the high ground and any more of this and Sean could walk straight out the door. Okay, when he had finished dressing and possibly when he had finished with the whiskey bottle, but the door was still a possibility. Stepping forward, he dropped to his knees causing Dave the kitten to scuttle to the left to avoid being hit by a foot. Karl glanced at him.
“ You, close your eyes,” he said firmly. “ You’re too young for this,”
There was a pointed mew.
“ Okay, you’re too fuzzy for this,” Karl glared at him until the kitten flopped to the ground and put its paws over its eyes in a pointed gesture, then looked back at Sean. He grinned and gently ran his hand up Sean’s thigh, feeling the man stiffen in surprise and smirking to himself. Okay, surrendering was one thing but at least Karl could happily make the man all uncomfortable whilst he was doing it. After all, give a bit of embarrassment and Sean was unlikely to start telling the wonderful tale of Dave The Kitten in the bar late at night.
“ Okay..,” Sean was definitely uncomfortable as the hand brushed against the short hairs of his legs and ventured upwards, brushing over his groin. There was an obvious full body shiver as Karl gently stroked him, Karl’s smirk increasing. He’d never considered this as a possibility before as Sean always hung around Viggo most of the time, but such a situation wasn’t exactly the type you just ignored.
“ Karl…,” Sean’s voice was uncertain. “ You sure you know what you’re doing-JESUS,”
Well, that tone was probably a good indication that he probably did. Karl smirked a little more and dragged his tongue down an already stiffening member, his hands keeping a good hold on the back of Sean’s legs to avoid the man simply backing out of things. Sean tried to say something again but his voice ended up as a strangled gasp as Karl chose that exact point to take him deep in his mouth.
There was a pleased purr from somewhere behind him. Karl growled a warning which resulted in a sulky mew and another helpless groan from the amazingly innocent Sean. Slowly, lazily and with the style of a five year old with a well worked for lolly, Karl began to suckle. His tongue circled the head of Sean’s cock, tasting the slight salty flavour at the back of his throat as Sean’s legs trembled a little more in his grip. A quick pull with his hands and the blonde’s legs were spread a little more, Karl’s fingers creeping towards a tight, firm backside.
It didn’t take Sean long to work out what was happening.
“ Karl, don’t you even think about it,” there was a pause as a finger tapped pointedly on his backside. Sean sighed. “ Okay, so you’ve already thought about it, but you can stop thinking about it. That is a finger free zone,”
There was a mumble that loosely translated as “since when”. The kitten’s mew added punctuation.
“ Since … why the hell do I even have to answer that? Just no!” Sean didn’t quite explode but there was a good element of the splutter in his voice. There was even more spluttering as Karl sucked a little harder, his teeth gently raking across sensitive spots and a low groan accompanying this particular movement. Karl could feel the tremble in Sean’s legs slowly increase as willpower obviously clashed with the need to collapse into a pile of goo, and sensitively increased the pressure.
As soon as he was certain that Sean’s eyes were beginning to close and his breathing was becoming so fast it could challenge a cheetah, Karl’s finger slid firmly into him without further ado. The ado, of course, was added later as Sean almost hit the roof due to sudden sensation from an unexpected direction.
“ KARL!!!”
Karl pulled away for a moment. “ Keep that up and I’m liable to bite you,” he said sternly. “ Behave,”
“ Behave? BEHAVE?!” Sean waved a hand towards the side which probably was supposed to indicate the rear attack. “ How am I supposed to behave with that?!”
There was a mew as Dave pointed out the need to remain calm. The finger re-aimed itself at the kitten.
“ And don’t you start. Bad kitten. Bad!”
The kitten feared not for such labels and merely stuck his tongue out. Karl grinned and got back to work, his finger circling occasionally as his mouth moved over the now rock hard erection. For all his whining, obviously Sean’s body wasn’t as upset about the whole situation than his mind was. All he had to do was make sure that Viggo never heard about it and they were fine.
Sean groaned weakly, his hands dropping to play in Karl’s dark hair as the younger man worked his tricks. As soon as the fingers tightened slightly, Karl had a sneaking suspicion the guy was close and about time too; his jaw was already feeling the strain. He ran his nails over the rise of Sean’s backside to add to the mix of sensations and almost managed to get a mouthful of ‘life force’ as the blonde came with a weak cry and a stumble of the legs.
“ There we go, that wasn’t so bad was -,” Karl’s voice was almost entirely cut off as Sean grabbed hold of him and shoved him face down on the sofa. Spluttering, the younger man opened his mouth to protest and suddenly found himself with a greater thing to squeak about as Sean pressed his entire weight against him to keep him pinned to the sofa.
“ Now then,” he purred in Karl’s ear as he popped off the top to the strawberry lube. “ let’s try this again, shall we?”
Karl squirmed a little under the weight, and stiffened his entire body as he felt questing fingers suddenly turn up. There was a little squeak that was non-kitten related and the struggle increased.
“ Come on now,” purred Sean. “ Behave, remember?”
Karl growled. “ That was for the good of the world!”
“ Dave’s the world now? Jesus, he needs to go on a diet,” Sean chuckled and inserted another finger, beginning to circle it in a strawberry scented goopy way. Karl made a noise that could have been either a groan or a growl but didn’t try to buck him off any further. Sean, after all, was a persistent bastard. Just look how long it took for Boromir to die, after all.
Karl shifted his position to make it a little more comfortable, face down not being the usual way the manufacturers expected people to sit on their sofas, and felt Sean move with him.
“ Ready?” Sean murmured in his ear. Karl growled which in the Urban universe was pretty much a yes, and nudged back against the older man who had managed to get back his erection in a remarkably short period of time. What ever happened to the idea that the more senior members of the group took a break between fucks?
Considerations on that sort of thing were thrown entirely to the wind as he felt Sean press up against him; his body resisted for a moment before reluctantly allowing the intruder entrance. Karl bit his bottom lip against the sudden stretching burn that decided to flare up in his lower body, squirming against the sofa again. A hand that crept between him and the sofa suddenly increased this squirm by a hundred percent as a slightly callused hand began to touch him in time with Sean’s thrusts. On the basis that Sean managed to last a mere moment before speeding up, the friction probably could have lit half a dozen scout fires.
Karl groaned, his forehead resting on the sofa as he was slammed into it. There was a little symphony of spring squeaking as Sean increased his thrusts, Karl’s outstretched hand gripping the fabric of the sofa tighter until it was a miracle that the damned thing didn’t rip. Sean’s hand continued to stroke him, over and over, a series of groaned murmurs in his ear that was beginning to become heavily accented as Sean began to lose control for the second time in a short period. Karl only hoped the older man could remember his lines for tomorrow otherwise he was in a whole lot of shit.
Of course his own control was beginning to slip by now, his metaphorical fingertips apparently coated with butter. His breath was getting faster and faster, nails clawing the fabric like a cat trapped in a box, his mind firmly fixed on the sheer feeling of possession within him. Sean wasn’t a small guy by any means and it had been a damned long time since this sort of thing happened.
Sean groaned in his ear. How a groan could sound Yorkshire he had no idea but Sean managed to do it without too much fuss and attention, the blonde beginning to alternate between slowing and suddenly pounding into him as though he was desperate to spear a kidney. Sean’s hand continued its rough treatment of Karl’s erection but by this time Karl was happy for any type of contact just as long as it hit right there and-
“ HOLY FUCKING HELL!!” the sofa thankfully took most of his scream, a muffled curse leaking out into the room. His body gripped Sean’s erection even tighter and therefore it was just as well Sean chose that exact moment to come otherwise they were probably looking at either a trapped Bean or a serious ouch in the near future. All Karl could hear was Sean’s rough panting in his ear, the slightly damp but warm feel of Sean’s skin on his.
And then there was something else to listen to.
“ Oooh, look, there’s a way to turn someone into a crocodile….,”
Sean and Karl’s breathing suddenly stopped before erupting back into life again as they slid off the sofa and aimed glares towards the now human Dave who was peering through one of the books idly. Blue eyes lifted up in surprise and a cheerful smile emerged. Said cheerful smile hesitated as the men slowly got off the floor and began to prowl towards him, intent clear in their eyes.
“ Guys….?”
And, for now at least, there was no more talk about crocodiles.
END
Pairing: SB/KU with DW
Rating: NC17
Summary: Dave goes exploring in his local library and discovers that books can be used for more than simply propping up a coffee table.
Warnings: This fic is EXTREMELY AU and contains random magic and flange. Incidentally, not intended to make any statement about any religion whatsoever.
Disclaimer: It probably goes without saying that this story is a work of fiction and really, really didn’t happen. Sexual inclinations of mentioned actors is purely for fictional purposes only.
Status: COMPLETED
This story forms part of the Breadcrumb Challenges and was written for Olinima - who is, I should mention, a librarian. They have far too much time on their hands to think up strange things to inflict upon me, obviously! However I fear that section D has not been done.. *sniff sniff*. This is partly because I lost the original challenge until just now and completely forgot about section D *thwaps self*
*
Original challenge: I would really like, as my proper challenge, a story in which our hero, Dave, is turned into a cute, ickle fuzzy kitten! How you go about this I leave entirely to your wonderfully wicked imagination but it must include: -
A) Karl looking after said kitty, with or without help/hindrance from any other random LOTR actors in the vicinity
B) the phrase “you’ll never get him down from there”
C) poor little Dave kitty being trapped under an empty ice cream carton (I am assuming here one of the big square ones, not the small round Ben and Jerry’s type but then I guess it depends how cruel you want to be...hehehehe)
and last, but possibly most difficult, D) A nice sweet fluffy slashy ending for Mr Dave and person/people of your choice...hehehehe...mmmm...fluff...hehehehe...
*
Karl wasn’t sure how it happened. Hell, would anyone know how it had happened? This sort of thing didn’t tend to exist outside of Disney films or the imaginations of children’s authors. People did not change shape. They just didn’t.
However, one thing was certain. Dave was gone, and there was a small, ginger kitten sitting where he once sat, looking up at him with big blue-green eyes and mewing. It was small and it was undeniably cute, and, more the point, it was a fucking cat.
Karl ran his hand through his hair, trying to think, to concentrate. Right, what exactly had happened here? Dave had come round as he normally did in the evening, bearing a box of chocolates and a large tub of raspberry ripple ice-cream which was apparently the favourite of the month. They had chatted, they had eaten, and then of course they came to the book.
The book was a first edition, apparently. Karl hadn’t been too surprised about this; it was old for chrissakes, old and dusty. The cover seemed to be made of some type of leather, the words seemingly carved into the front as though someone with a lot of time on their hands had taken a very sharp knife to it. The colours that were faded seemed to be of dyes rather than inks, all muted natural colours hinting back to nature. The pages were written on paper seemingly so old that Karl was worried it was going to disintegrate under his fingers when he turned the pages, although it lasted well enough. There was more than its fair share of dust, but then again old books had the corner on the dust market.
Dave had been extremely interested in the book, in his usual enthusiastic way. He had carefully turned each page as though he had a strict librarian standing over his shoulder brandishing a whip, and reverently touched the pictures that littered the pages with gentle fingers. Karl hadn’t really paid a huge amount of attention on it; hell, it was a book. Books should not feature in today’s exciting night life. They just shouldn’t.
He hadn’t paid a huge amount of attention to Dave’s muttering under his breath, and he was sure that there were far too many candles being lit for one day. The smell of something hung in the air but Karl had no idea what it was, and, quite frankly didn’t care either. The cry from the room had seized hold of his attention finally, and it was at that point where the kitten had made his acquaintance.
Man and cat eyed each other thoughtfully.
“ Okay…,” Karl ran his fingers through his hair and glanced towards the doorway. This had to be some sort of practical joke. People didn’t turn into cats. He was sure he had covered this theory before. No doubt Dave was hidden somewhere in the room and had borrowed some feline from a friend. After all, he was supposed to be getting his revenge back after the whole drinking game incident.
The kitten mewed impatiently, and took a few shaky steps towards him as though it wasn’t quite sure what to do with its paws. Karl eyed it again.
“ Dave!” he called out finally. “ You’d better get yourself here before I get really annoyed!”
The cat was giving him what looked to be an extremely pissed off expression and mewed again. Karl wagged a finger at it, the kitten watching the finger in fascination or possibly wondering how easy it was to pounce on.
“ That’s enough from you. I’m not feeding you,”
The kitten mewed its annoyance of this and wobbled some more. Karl sighed and looked around the room. No Dave approached. Hazel eyes looked back at the cat again suspiciously.
” Okay,” he crouched and lowered his voice. “ I know you’re not Dave. Because it’s impossible. But if it wasn’t impossible – which it is – you’d be able to understand me. And therefore you can meow once for yes and twice for no, okay?”
The kitten mewed once and stopped, watching him. Karl’s eyes narrowed even further, his body moving closer to the kitten as though embarrassed to be seen near it.
“ No, that’s too easy,” he muttered. “ You could just be meowing. Meow …. Five times,”
Karl wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to feel when the cat did meow five times, but what happened was a feeling of disbelief. The kitten had done it, without hesitation or even pause for thought. What were the chances?
“ And now four times?” he croaked. Again, the cat performed effortlessly. Karl groaned. “ Dave?”
Meow. One for yes, two for no. And, knowing Dave, three for ‘I want some food NOW’. Karl sighed heavily and shook his head, staring at the kitten who had put its head on one side and was studying him. “ What the hell did you do?”
The kitten wobbled back to the book and glanced back at him in a cute and fluffy way. A fat paw swiped the pages back before the kitten jumped entirely on the book and stood on a paragraph, looking back at Karl. Karl squinted at the appropriate page.
“ Polymorphing?” he read slowly. “ You are kidding, right?”
Meow meow. If cats could meow sarcastically, Dave would be doing it. Karl rolled his eyes and pondered a little further.
“ So which is the right page for turning you back?”
The kitten looked embarrassed. Karl looked at him and frowned.
” You did check that you could get turned back, didn’t you?” he said slowly. There was a little kitten shrug and the cat jumped off the book, turning to look at him. The little wobbly legs were becoming stronger by each movement. Karl picked up the book and quickly scanned the page, taking in absolutely nothing. It took a few moments before he realised that the f's were to be read as an s.
Dave curled up and watched him as Karl paced around, reading it. Kitten eyes moved back onto the tub of ice-cream which had been left on the table. Blue-green eyes narrowed.
“ Well, this is useless,” Karl flicked another page. “ It’s all messing around and changing and poisons and something to do with a creature that looks like it was found in the arse-end of the world. And the grammar is appalling! And are these ingredient lists? Where d’you go to get …,” there was a pause and a frown. “ .. shaved beaver tusks? Do beavers even have tusks? And furthermore – GET DOWN FROM THE TABLE, CAT,”
Dave slinked back to the floor, obviously muttering kitty curses. Karl glared at him then back at the book. There was an annoyed sigh, and the book was dropped on the table.
” That’s it. This really isn’t my thing,” Karl rubbed his chin thoughtfully and moved towards the telephone. “ I’ll call Viggo. He’s a book man,”
Kitten suddenly inserted itself between Karl and the phone. The Kiwi stared at the little Australian kitten in surprise as the cat jumped up onto the table and hissed at him.
“ Dave! Come on, you know I can’t do this by myself!” Karl protested. “ Stop being silly,”
Karl reached for the telephone and hand suddenly got little kitten teeth in it. There was a yelp and the phone was dropped, the man staring at Dave incredulously.
” You bit me!” he protested. The kitten stuck out its tongue and yawned, a sleepy yawn which showed lots of little sharp kitten teeth. It was also completely adorable, but then again that was normally an essential part of being a kitten. Karl rubbed his hand and stared at the cat grumpily. “ You got a better idea, animal?”
There was a shuffle of paws. Karl made a satisfied noise.
“ Didn’t think so. And there’s something else you forgot, Dave,” Kitten was suddenly scooped up with one hand and marched towards the sofa, being thrown on it. “ I’m much bigger than you. You misbehave, you’re in a box, okay?”
Dave bounced on the sofa cushion and straightened his body, staring after him anxiously. Karl picked up the phone, grabbed the little list of telephone numbers and started dialling. After a few rings, the phone was picked up.
“ Yeah?”
Okay, as far as Karl knew, Viggo really hadn’t managed to develop a Yorkshire accent. He glanced down at the pad in confusion, comprehension only dawning when he realised that he never did quite work out which number was Viggo’s and which was Sean’s, having obtained them both when he was too pissed to take notice.
“ Sean?”
“ You phoned me, mate. Yeah, it’s Sean. That sounds like Karl,”
“ Sorry, yes it’s me. Uh… don’t suppose you know where Viggo is, do you?” Karl shrugged to Dave, who was currently curled up again, and then focused on the phone.
“ He’s filming Helms Deep. Been in a seriously pissy mood for the last three days due to lack of sleep and someone hitting him on the head with an axe, although I suppose that’s fair enough. Want me to ask him to phone you when I see him?” Sean sounded a little bored of the whole conversation, as though he had been asked to be Viggo’s secretary so many times in the past he was going to get his own stationary printed. Karl hesitated. Well, Sean wasn’t ideal, but at least he was someone.
“ Actually, I was wondering whether you could help,” he said slowly, trying to ignore the kitten who had moved his head up and was watching him cautiously. “ Can you come over?”
“ What, now?” Sean seemed a little taken aback.
“ Yeah. Kinda important.”
” How long is it going to take? I’ve got a footie match on in about an hour. Almost live, too,” Sean sounded suspicious. Karl shrugged to the invisible audience.
“ I don’t know, but you could watch it here,” he suggested. There was a weary sigh on the other end of the phone.
” Oh, okay,” replied Sean crossly. “ But you better have some beer in,”
“ Your wish is my command,”
” And you can stop talking like a twat as well,” Sean grumbled. “ I’ll be there in about fifteen minutes,”
“ But it only takes ten,” Karl pointed out.
“ And?” There was a particular tone in Sean’s voice. Karl sighed.
“ Okay, see you then,”
The kitten was giving him a glare full of accusation when he put down the phone. Karl gestured impatiently.
” What?” he snapped. “ You got yourself into this mess, remember. Not me,”
Dave yawned again and settled on the sofa. Karl sighed and sat down beside him, Dave scooting onto his lap and curling up in a little furry hot waterbottle way. Karl’s hand absent-mindedly started to stroke soft kitten fur, feeling the vibration as Dave began to purr. Little claws dug into thigh as the cat kneaded him in satisfaction.
” Dave…,” warned Karl. Kneading stopped. Dave contented himself with a vast amount of purring, his eyes slowly shutting, the warm of the cat seeping through Karl’s clothes and heating his leg. It was twenty minutes before the front door sounded, and kitten had to be scooped off and placed carefully on the sofa, Dave looking up with blinking eyes.
Apparently not believing Karl on the level of alcohol available, Sean had come armed with a crate of beer himself. There was a particular look in the Englishman’s eyes that suggested that this was possibly not the greatest timing in the world, his hair ruffled and unkempt, his t-shirt untucked and looking like it could benefit from an iron. There was a stain on the front of his jeans, and one of his shoelaces had started to unravel.
“ Okay, what’s the problem?” Sean took one step into the room and frowned. “ What the hell is that smell?”
“ Smell?” Karl had completely de-tuned his nose.
“ Yeah, something perfumey with a hint of … I don’t know, spices?” Sean shrugged and plonked the crate onto the table. “ Didn’t think you were into that sort of thing,”
“ I’m not. Dave is, though,” Karl scratched the back of his neck. Sean snorted laughter and pulled out a can of beer, his amused green eyes falling onto the younger man in front of him.
“ But he ain’t here, is he?” he drawled.
“ Not exactly,” Karl searched for a way to describe the circumstances. However, Sean had already seen the kitten and was looked puzzled towards it.
“ You got yourself a cat?” he asked idly.
“ Not exactly either,” Karl said awkwardly. “ Dave, come here,”
The kitten gave him a look which suggested that certainly the wrong person was busy giving orders, but moved to his paws, yawned widely again, stretched, and wandered towards Sean. The Brit scooped up the kitten as he came closer, a soft look in his eyes. Dave nuzzled up to his chest and mewed in an extremely cute manner.
“ No, you’re not having one of the beers,” said Karl crossly. A sulky look crossed the kitten’s face at this. Sean glanced at him.
“ You called the cat ‘Dave’?” he said in amusement. “ Okay, so it’s ginger, but there’s no way Wenham’s that cute and innocent, mate. Ow!”
Kitten almost got dropped as claws suddenly inserted themselves in Sean’s arm. Karl sighed and took hold of the kitten, Dave immediately scrambling up his t-shirt to be able to perch on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, looking at Sean. Sean raised an eyebrow as he rubbed his arm.
“ It’s well trained,” he said grudgingly.
“ It’s Dave,”
” Yes, you said. Stupid name for a cat. Should be something like.. I don’t know, Tiddles or something,” Sean shrugged. There was a mew of disgust from the cat, who obviously was on a Tiddles free diet. Karl shook his head.
” No, you don’t understand. This cat is Dave Wenham,”
“ And my left shoe is actually Orlando Bloom in disguise. The right one is Billy,” Sean opened the can and took a long swig. “ look, you want to play silly buggers, that’s fine by me. Just get me drunk first, okay?”
Karl sighed heavily. “ Dave, meow six times will you?”
The cat meowed obediently. Sean’s can paused, green eyes watching the kitten in some surprise.
“ Very clever. Keep this up and you can get him his own show. What’s it supposed to prove?” there was a faint smile on Sean’s lips. Karl gestured towards the book.
” Dave borrowed a few books from that new library that opened up, the one with the cellars and the dodgy decorations. Apparently he accidentally set off a polymorph spell,” Karl attempted to keep his voice level but it was difficult with Sean giving him a look that suggested that the blonde had serious doubts about Karl’s sanity.
” A polymorph spell?” he echoed slowly.
” Changes self,” explained Karl.
“ And you’re expecting me to believe this? You brought me all the way here for a joke and a performing cat?” Sean shook his head in exasperation and took another sip of beer. David mewed a few more times. Sean eyed him thoughtfully.
“ Let me guess. Some kid’s fallen down the well?” he suggested. The kitten jumped off of Karl’s shoulder and landed on the table, giving Sean a look that was surely reserved for anything small and squeaky. Karl shook his head.
“ Honestly, Sean. I’m not making this up. Dave! Do something more impressive,”
The kitten looked at him. Karl waved a hand.
” I dunno, fetch something that Sean requests. Roll over. Yes, I know you’re not a dog but that’s hardly…,” Karl trailed off as the kitten disappeared towards a familiar bag near the seat. Comprehension cleared on the Kiwi’s face. “ The laptop! Perfect!”
Sean drank another few gulps of beer as Karl busily set up the laptop, watching him thoughtfully. Finally it was set up. The kitten slowly and carefully placed paws on the keyboard. Given the size of the paws and the size of the buttons, the delete key was used far too much.
“ F… U… C…. K…,” read Sean. “ O...F….F. Charming cat you have there, Karl.”
“ I’m impressed it wasn’t ‘feed me’,” commented Karl idly. “ Believe us now?”
Sean hesitated. “ People can’t turn into kittens!” he protested.
“ I know that. You know that. Dave knows that. However, the universe apparently changed the rules when we weren’t looking,” replied Karl patiently. “ All I know is he’s cute and fluffy and really not going to be fitting in the Faramir costume in two days time. We need some help,”
” You certainly do. And I’m really not it,” Sean raised an eyebrow. Karl shook his head.
” It’s okay, I’ll go back to the library and get some more books out and see if we can find a reversal spell or whatever you need,”
“ You mean it’s not in that book?” Sean looked a little baffled. Karl shrugged.
” Perhaps it’s in volume II of How To Ruin Your Life,” he suggested. “ Anyone who wants to start turning people into animals is probably not playing with a full deck anyway. Sensible suggestions need not apply. I mean, this author doesn’t even have an index. Do you realise how long this is going to take me?”
” About a football match,”
“ Does your mind focus on anything else when you have one of those matches in your sights?”
” Not normally.” Sean was about to continue when there was a thud and a yowl from the table. The ice-cream tub, which was now upside down on the floor, started to shuffle across the floor leaking melted ice-cream like a snail’s trail. Karl growled to himself and stalked towards the tub, seizing hold of it and pulling it off. Dave peered upwards, ice-cream in his fur and whiskers, looking more than a little sheepish. Karl sighed to himself and looked back at Sean.
“ I’m going back to that library where he got the damn thing from,” he said. “ You watch the cat and wash him,”
“ He can wash himself!” protested Sean, waving a hand towards the kitten who had already started licking off the ice-cream with a little pink kitten tongue. “ And what the hell d’you expect to find there? And don’t say books, either!”
“ Something! If nothing more than something to be able to translate or give us an idea or something,” Karl was already walking towards the door. Sean stared after him.
“ You’re going after The Idiots Guide to the Occult?!”
“ Seems appropriate, don’t you think? Watch that cat!” Karl looked back at him with a dubious expression, then disappeared off. Sean sighed heavily and looked back at the cat who was on the second paw of ice-cream goodness.
“ Well,” he said, taking in the television in his glance. “ Let’s see what we can do in the meantime, eh?”
*
By the time Karl got back they were in the final ten minutes and Sean was on the edge of the sofa, watching avidly. Dumping the books on the nearby table, the younger man frowned at the scene. Sean, being Sean, hadn’t even bothered to glance at the door when it opened.
“ Where’s Dave?” he queried. Sean groaned as the ball went offside, and glanced back at him in a manner that suggested he wasn’t entirely sure who Dave was. Green eyes suddenly looked to the other end of the sofa, where a little white stain from dried ice-cream proclaimed the fact that a kitten had once sat there. Sheepish eyes turned back to Karl.
“ Guess he didn’t like the football,” he suggested. Karl growled at him and stalked towards the bedroom.
” Dave? Dave? Dave!” He occasionally bent down, trying to see under tables and in kitten sized holes. Karl straightened and looked around the room again. “ Dave, get your little furry backside out here NOW,”
Kitten refused to turn up. Teeth were ground. He stalked back to the living room where Sean actually bothered to glance up, query in his eyes.
” Found him?” he asked. Karl shook his head. Sean shrugged. “ Well, he can’t be too far. The door hasn’t been opened. Did you check the-“
There was a crash from the kitchen.
“ I am going to kill that animal!” Karl stalked towards the kitchen, leaving Sean to finish his football match. Two cupboard doors were still open, a splattering of what appeared to be flour lay on the floor with a little track of paw-prints leading through it. Two tins had been pushed out of the cupboard to lie forlornly on the floor, and there was still rummaging occurring in the cupboard.
The door was seized and opened fully. The kitten, his face white with flour, looked up startled. There was a pause, followed by a hesitant mew. Having grabbed hold of the kitten by the scruff of the neck, Karl yanked him out. Dave looked sulky as he was hoisted to an eye to eye position.
” Look, cat,” Karl growled. “ You want to stay the rest of your life as a feline, fine! If you don’t, start giving me a little help, okay?”
Dave was close enough for the little pink tongue to dart out and lick Karl on the nose. The man sighed, and carried the kitten out the kitchen, Dave scrambling a little bit as he worked out that he was being moved ever further away from sources of food. Hazel eyes fell on the television screen.
” Hasn’t that finished yet?”
“ Extra time,” Sean lounged back in the chair and took another swig of beer. His eyes fell on the messy kitten. “ You found him I see,”
“ No thanks to you, I notice,” Karl dumped the cat next to the Brit and moved towards the books on the table, getting hold of one and pulling it towards him. A ripped piece of paper fluttered to the floor where it was automatically pounced upon by Dave, who seemed to be a targeted missile to anything that moved. Karl detached kitten from paper and sighed.
“ What’s that?” Sean glanced at him briefly before moving his eyes back to the screen. Karl grinned to himself.
“ That would be the librarian’s number. You’re not supposed to take more than three books out at a time,” he started to flick through the first of the books without a huge amount of interest. He was aware of green eyes looking at him quizzically, and sighed. “ Hey, librarians have desires too you know. Who knows what they get up to in their spare time whilst waiting for people to take out books? For all we know they could be reading dodgy stories on the internet,”
“ Uh huh,” Sean sounded unconvinced, but his gaze never left the screen. “ Sure you couldn’t have gotten her to check for you?” There was a pause. “ It was a her, wasn’t it?”
” Yes, it was a her, Sean,” there was an element of growl in Karl’s voice. Sean shrugged and continued to watch his game whilst flicking occurred in the background.
Half an hour later, Karl was feeling more than a little frustrated. The books seemed to have been written solely to ensure that there was limited amount of information spread across hundreds of pages. Sean, whose game had finally finished, was ploughing his way through one of the other books which had least had some pictures, even if they were extremely disturbing. Dave was sat on the table, watching them and occasionally bopping a fat paw on a page if he hadn’t finished reading it yet.
Two hours later, Karl was extremely frustrated. The damn thing wasn’t giving him any real idea on what happened and certainly not how to change little Dave back, and it was causing him to have eye strain. He glanced down at Sean who had moved his book to the floor so he could lie on his stomach, reading in vague comfort. Dave was curled up in the small of Sean’s back, fast asleep. Karl gave him a hard look; typical. He spends all his time trying to save Dave from a life of catching mice and coughing up furballs, and Dave chooses someone else to use as a pillow.
His eyes fell back on the book he had been reading. Eyes narrowed. The paragraph was re-read, then read again.
“ I think I’ve got something,” he said finally and a little incredulously. Sean, who had obviously been on the point of dozing, jerked his head up and stared at him in confusion.
“ What?” he yawned and blinked at him sleepily. Dave also raised his head slowly, yawning widely and stretching his front paws out. Unfortunately the rise of Sean’s arse was directly in front of him and therefore little kitten claws suddenly buried themselves in sensitive areas. There was a yelp from Sean, who at least was now fully awake.
Karl re-read the paragraph. “ I think I’ve found a spell to change him back,” he said. Sean frowned a little harder.
” Spell?” he echoed dubiously. “ Does this look like an episode of Buffy to you?”
“ You know a better way to change a cat into a man?” Karl raised an eyebrow. Sean had to concede the point. Dave lifted himself off Sean’s back and jumped onto the floor, trotting up to Karl and looking up at him with eager blue eyes. Karl resisted the urge to ruffle soft kitten fur, and looked back at the list which was presumably the ingredients.
“ I think we might need to go shopping,” he mused.
“ Shopping?” Sean stared at him incredulously. “ Where to? The local voodoo bar?”
“ Most of this seems to be herbs and stuff you can find in those alternative medicine stores,” Karl was quick to assure him. “ Although…,” he hesitated. Sean was aware of hazel eyes moving onto him in assessment.
“ What?” Sean asked suspiciously. Karl weighed it in his mind then shook his head. Sean could find out later, and then they would see whether his commitment was genuine. He was aware of Dave looking at him quizzically, then put a bookmark in the right place and snapped the book shut.
“ Nothing. Let’s go shopping,”
*
An hour later they were stood at the bottom of a tree, staring upwards. It hadn’t been too stressful up until now, although somewhat expensive. Certain items were just not common, surprisingly enough, and this wasn’t likely to change until some famous chef decided to start including these ingredients in their day to day recipes. However, they had found everything.
Including a dog.
The dog hadn’t been requested, in all honesty. It had been wandering around, enjoying the sights and the sounds, when Dave had proved too irresistible for such canine temperaments. Dave had immediate cat reactions to such a large hairy and barking creature hurtling towards him and had vanished from Karl’s shoulder towards the safety of a large tree, where he now sat, blinking down at them.
Sean scratched his head.
” You’ll never get him down from there,” he commented towards Karl. Dave attempted to shuffle along the branch a little more, then lost his balance and clung on tighter, mewing his dislike for the whole situation. Karl eyed the tree. It was a large one, with plenty of strong thick branches. However, it was also extremely close to concrete. One slip and they were looking at a hard blow to the whatevers, and surely there was some age limit to when you were supposed to be climbing trees?
The cat stared down at them as Karl shifted directly below him, trying to keep a warm smile on his person.
“ Come on, Dave,” he soothed. ”You can do it,”
“ He bloody well can’t,” came Sean’s murmur behind him. The Brit got a kick on the shin for that little comment before Karl’s attention returned onto the cat.
“ Come on. Just jump. I’ll catch you,” Karl’s voice was soothing. Sean snorted laughter and got another kick on his shin for his trouble. He coughed and shrugged out of his coat, offering it to Karl pointedly. Karl looked at the coat, then looked at Sean, then looked at the coat again. The kitten mewed pitifully in the trees.
“ What, my t-shirt offending you or something?”
Sean sighed and physically put Karl’s hands on one side of the coat whilst he held the other. The makeshift safety net was placed firmly underneath the kitten who eyed it uncertainly.
“ Keep your side loose. If it’s too tight he’ll just bounce off,” advised Sean and looked up at the kitten. “ Come on, furball. Jump.”
There was a doubtful mew.
“ No, we’re not getting any fire-fighters to get you down. Get your perverted kicks somewhere else,” Sean suddenly realised he was getting a strange look from a passer-by and gave said woman a glare. “ What?”
The passer-by disappeared swiftly. Sean rolled his eyes and transferred the glare back to the kitten where it rightfully belonged. Dave was balancing along the branch, his paws carefully navigating the route with little claws sticking in every so often. It was right what they said. Cats were almost organic Velcro.
“ Furry arse down here now,” snarled Sean.
“ Here Davey, Davey, Davey,” added Karl, who felt a bit of good cop, bad cop was necessary. “ I’ll get you ice-cream,”
There was a mew. Karl sighed.
“ With a chocolate flake,”
There was another mew.
“ And sprinkles, okay?”
Sean eyed him incredulously. “ You speak pussy now?”
“ Now that’s a comment that really doesn’t need any additional comments,” replied Karl dryly. He pulled the coat a little more and aimed his attention back up to the ginger kitten still clinging onto the tree branch. “ Dave! We’ve got stuff to do, for god’s sake!”
The kitten stuck out its tongue. Karl opened his mouth to retort when the little cat took a step backward, its paw slipping on a branch. There was a frantic mew, fluff flying and claws windmilling, and the cat bounced onto the safety net with a little hiss of displeasure. Sean grabbed the other end of the coat and made it into a makeshift bag, before giving a nod to Karl.
“ Right. Cat in bag. Let’s go,”
“ Is he okay in that?” Karl was suspicious. Sean rolled his eyes.
“ He can breath through the button holes. Come on,” Thankfully the house wasn’t too far away which was just as well with a little clawed whirlwind occurring in Sean’s coat. Growling in the back of his throat, Sean struggled as best he could; as soon as the door shut behind them, small cat was dumped in the centre of the floor. Sean moved towards the sofa and switched on the television.
“ There,” he said. “ I assume you don’t need me anymore, so I’ll just watch the footie results and get out of your hair. Or fur. Or whatever,”
Karl put the bag on the table and didn’t say anything. Green eyes slid to where he was stood suspiciously. A silent Karl was about as rare as a perfumed skunk.
“ You have ingredients. You have book. You have cat. What more could you possibly want?” Sean sank back on the sofa and opened a can of beer, focusing back on the television. However, when the lights dimmed his attention was re-seized again. “ What on earth are you doing?”
“ Candles,” explained Karl, who was already busy setting things up on the table. There was a grump from the sofa before Sean settled back to watch the television. Candles and occult things were almost married together.
“ Using them to mix the stuff together?” he asked idly. He had no idea how they were supposed to create this “spell” but he assumed it was probably close to a cooking recipe, just without the annoying TV chefs and pastry that wouldn’t rise for love nor money nor baking powder.
“ Mood lighting,” Karl lit the next candle and scooped up the kitten who had come over to investigate. “ No. Bad Dave. Go sit on Sean,”
Cat was plonked on Sean’s lap. Two sets of sulking eyes aimed themselves at Karl before Dave curled up on Sean’s lap and went to sleep. Ten minutes later the cat was definitely fast asleep, Sean was so immersed in his football that a bomb could go off and he’d never hear it, and Karl was almost ready. Right.
“ Sean, I need you to help with the ritual,”
Nothing. Not even a glance around. Karl sighed and walked over to the television. Sean finally came back to life with the press of a button, which at least was a hell of a lot easier than getting a huge amount of ingredients sorted. Furious green eyes aimed themselves at the man who had dared switch off football.
“ Does it have to be now?!” he protested. Little kitten claws sank into his thigh in protest. “ OKAY! Okay, fine! What do you need?”
Silently, Karl removed Dave, who sat in the little circle that Karl had drawn on the floor and looked at them in interest. Grabbing hold of the book and the paper bag that contained the mix, Karl frowned at the words and tried to ‘focus his energy’. He wasn’t entirely certain what was happening but he was certain his energy was telling him to piss off. Reading off the first few lines of the book and sounding as though he was about to spray someone with saliva, the freshly ground ingredients were sprinkled over Dave. There was a little kitten sneeze.
“ Sean. Need you to do the last part of the ritual,” Karl said in a low voice. Sean raised an eyebrow in query. “ Get out of your clothes,”
There was a long pause whilst Sean tried to work out exactly what just happened. Finally he sat a little straighter on the sofa, ran his tongue over his bottom lip, and focused his entire attention onto Karl.
“ What?” he asked softly.
“ I need you to strip and come over here,” Karl’s hands were already busy on his own clothing, unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off. He was aware of the full attention of both man and kitten on him and sighed. “ Come on. Would I be doing this if it wasn’t necessary?”
“ Based on your reputation, actually yes,” Sean frowned at him. “ What the fuck are you doing?”
“ It’s part of the ritual…,” Karl trailed off at the sudden thought. “… reputation? I have a reputation?”
“ You certainly do and based on what you’re doing at the moment I can see why,” Sean advised. “ Give me one good reason to do this,”
“ It’s in the book,” Karl waved a hand at the offending tome. Sean sighed.
“ I said a good reason,”
However, obviously they were in luck. Grumbling, Sean stood up and finally began to strip with extreme amounts of reluctance. Dave watched in interest from the floor until Sean’s t-shirt ‘accidentally’ flopped directly on top of him. With a little mew of protest, the kitten backed out of the offending clothing tent and almost managed to get himself out the circle if it wasn’t for Karl’s foot carefully pushing him back in with a toe under the furry backside.
Finally they were naked, the candlelight flickering off their bodies. Dave’s whiskers twitched, the little cat sitting back in interest. Sean raised an eyebrow.
“ Okay,” he commented idly. “ What next?”
Karl straightened his back and shoulders and looked at Sean with a firm, steady gaze that was supposed to be imposing but which probably ended up a little too Marlon Brando. Okay. This wasn’t going to do his reputation any good .. or, rather it would do. Just increasing it. Crossing over to Sean, Karl kept his back straight, his shoulders fixed and pleasant smile on his face and-
“ Oh you have to be kidding me,”
“ What?!” Getting blamed for something he hadn’t yet started was new even for Karl. The pleasant smile reduced back to the sulky expression of old time. Sean gave him a winning smile.
“ Nothing, Just tell me what you have planned is something innocent,” he said steadily.
Karl frowned at him. “ How many nude things do you know which are innocent?” he protested. Sean shrugged.
“ Guess that depends on where you holiday,” he replied idly. There was a moment of silence, then Karl waved a hand.
“ Okay. So it’s not strictly speaking innocent. BUT it’s necessary. We have to produce life force,”
Sean looked at him for a long period of time.
“ Tell me, was that supposed to scare or reassure me?” he commented dryly. There was a little mew from the floor. “ And you can keep out of it. If you kept your little cold nose out of strange books then we wouldn’t have this problem would we?”
There was another little mew that could probably gain a movie an X rating. There were some things that just didn’t need translating. Sean eyed the cat then looked Karl up and down.
“ Life force?” he echoed dubiously. “ Are we talking….?” There was a hand gesture to the relative area. Karl gave a nod. Sean sighed wearily. “ What are we, sperm banks?”
“ Hopefully not, I’m still using mine,” Karl replied dryly. “ Come on. Here, drink something,” Sean gave him a startled look. Karl sighed. “ Alcohol based drink,”
“ Oh.” Well, that was better than the ‘freshly squeezed’ version. Sean shrugged, looked at the beer and decided that he probably needed something a hell of a lot stronger. “ Where’s the alcohol cupboard?”
“ Kitchen,” Karl replied and scooped up the kitten. “ And you have to stay here.”
Dave squirmed and protested loudly at these obviously anti-kitten sentiments but there was very little he could do. After rummaging and tinkling in the kitchen, Sean re-emerged with a large bottle of whisky and a couple of pint mugs. Karl’s voice was completely stolen at the sight.
“ How much are you planning to drink? Should I be insulted?”
“ Call it additional lubrication. Speaking of which,” Sean tossed a tube of what appeared to be processed cheese on the sofa. “ there you go.”
Cat and man studied it carefully. Well, the man did. The cat had to jump up and down a bit in order to see properly. Karl waggled a finger towards the tube as though there was some doubt as to its existence.
“ So what’s the cheese for?”
“ It’s not cheese,” Sean was already three mouthfuls into the whiskey. “ Incidentally, anyone who sticks cheese in a tube is a dangerous force against nature and should be whacked. That, my dear little wanna be occultists, is strawberry flavoured lube,”
Karl frowned at him. “ Why do you have strawberry flavoured lube?” he asked suspiciously.
“ Don’t ask me. That’s your kitchen in there. It was with the alcohol and some random plastic thing that looked like it had just been ripped off a kid’s toy,” Sean shrugged. “ Whiskey?”
Karl slowly shook his head. The kitten had its head on one side, thinking though things. Obviously if there was anything cuter than a kitten trying to remember where it had left its last tube of strawberry lubrication, he didn’t know about it. There was a succession of five fast mews which signified that Dave had finally remembered, which wasn’t entirely that comforting.
“ Keep Dave away from the lube,” Sean added, passing over the whiskey. “ Fur is unlikely to mix well with it. Anyway, you were telling me about this whole life force thing. I assume we’re not talking a quick y’know with a porn mag,”
“ You old romantic,” replied Karl dryly. “ No. It’s got to be a good form of ‘life force’ not a … by-product,”
“ Trust me, when I pick up a porn mag that part is hardly a by-product,” Sean raised an eyebrow. “ And can we stop calling it a life force, I feel like I’m featuring in ET. So go on then. How d’you want to do this?”
“ Well, isn’t it obvious?”
“ Karl, with you nothing is obvious,” replied Sean dryly. “ Come on. What’s the plan to get this whole fluffy wholesome gunk you’re after?”
Dave mewed a suggestion. They both looked at him. The kitten sulked in the middle of the circle when it was clear his laptop wasn’t coming to him, and rolled over with both paws in the air. Sean blinked.
“ We have to act dead?” he hazarded. “ Karl, this cat of yours needs a brain transplant,”
“ I think he wants someone to surrender. You know, give up. Be taken advantage of.” Karl frowned at the kitten. “ Or he’s tired. I can’t read whisker sign language,”
Sean studied the kitten. “ I think that was ‘fuck you’,” he said helpfully. The kitten mewed again in satisfaction and rolled back over to stand on little legs, looking at them with his head tilted slightly.
“ So?” Karl stepped forward and stroked a hand down Sean’s chest. Sean looked from kitten to Karl then at the hand on his chest incredulously.
“ Newsflash for you, Urban,” he growled. “ I don’t do the whole surrender thing,”
“ I’m bigger and tougher than you,” pointed out Karl.
“ I fight dirtier than you do,” replied Sean dryly. “ Called experience of age, that. So if you don’t want to find yourself all groaning on the floor, I suggest you rethink the whole surrender thing. Or at least re-cast it,”
They eyeballed each other for a moment, Karl sucking on his bottom lip in thought. Finally there was a pointed mew from their feet where Dave was obviously glaring at them. Sean rolled his eyes, then jumped as kitten claws raked across his shin.
“ Hey!” he jabbed a finger towards the kitten, who hissed his swearwords and scuttled to stand behind Karl. “ I’m doing you a favour here kitty cat. No hissing or clawing or I’m gonna have a kitten sandwich, okay?”
“ Wow. You sweet talker you,” sighed Karl. Well, someone was going to have to give up the high ground and any more of this and Sean could walk straight out the door. Okay, when he had finished dressing and possibly when he had finished with the whiskey bottle, but the door was still a possibility. Stepping forward, he dropped to his knees causing Dave the kitten to scuttle to the left to avoid being hit by a foot. Karl glanced at him.
“ You, close your eyes,” he said firmly. “ You’re too young for this,”
There was a pointed mew.
“ Okay, you’re too fuzzy for this,” Karl glared at him until the kitten flopped to the ground and put its paws over its eyes in a pointed gesture, then looked back at Sean. He grinned and gently ran his hand up Sean’s thigh, feeling the man stiffen in surprise and smirking to himself. Okay, surrendering was one thing but at least Karl could happily make the man all uncomfortable whilst he was doing it. After all, give a bit of embarrassment and Sean was unlikely to start telling the wonderful tale of Dave The Kitten in the bar late at night.
“ Okay..,” Sean was definitely uncomfortable as the hand brushed against the short hairs of his legs and ventured upwards, brushing over his groin. There was an obvious full body shiver as Karl gently stroked him, Karl’s smirk increasing. He’d never considered this as a possibility before as Sean always hung around Viggo most of the time, but such a situation wasn’t exactly the type you just ignored.
“ Karl…,” Sean’s voice was uncertain. “ You sure you know what you’re doing-JESUS,”
Well, that tone was probably a good indication that he probably did. Karl smirked a little more and dragged his tongue down an already stiffening member, his hands keeping a good hold on the back of Sean’s legs to avoid the man simply backing out of things. Sean tried to say something again but his voice ended up as a strangled gasp as Karl chose that exact point to take him deep in his mouth.
There was a pleased purr from somewhere behind him. Karl growled a warning which resulted in a sulky mew and another helpless groan from the amazingly innocent Sean. Slowly, lazily and with the style of a five year old with a well worked for lolly, Karl began to suckle. His tongue circled the head of Sean’s cock, tasting the slight salty flavour at the back of his throat as Sean’s legs trembled a little more in his grip. A quick pull with his hands and the blonde’s legs were spread a little more, Karl’s fingers creeping towards a tight, firm backside.
It didn’t take Sean long to work out what was happening.
“ Karl, don’t you even think about it,” there was a pause as a finger tapped pointedly on his backside. Sean sighed. “ Okay, so you’ve already thought about it, but you can stop thinking about it. That is a finger free zone,”
There was a mumble that loosely translated as “since when”. The kitten’s mew added punctuation.
“ Since … why the hell do I even have to answer that? Just no!” Sean didn’t quite explode but there was a good element of the splutter in his voice. There was even more spluttering as Karl sucked a little harder, his teeth gently raking across sensitive spots and a low groan accompanying this particular movement. Karl could feel the tremble in Sean’s legs slowly increase as willpower obviously clashed with the need to collapse into a pile of goo, and sensitively increased the pressure.
As soon as he was certain that Sean’s eyes were beginning to close and his breathing was becoming so fast it could challenge a cheetah, Karl’s finger slid firmly into him without further ado. The ado, of course, was added later as Sean almost hit the roof due to sudden sensation from an unexpected direction.
“ KARL!!!”
Karl pulled away for a moment. “ Keep that up and I’m liable to bite you,” he said sternly. “ Behave,”
“ Behave? BEHAVE?!” Sean waved a hand towards the side which probably was supposed to indicate the rear attack. “ How am I supposed to behave with that?!”
There was a mew as Dave pointed out the need to remain calm. The finger re-aimed itself at the kitten.
“ And don’t you start. Bad kitten. Bad!”
The kitten feared not for such labels and merely stuck his tongue out. Karl grinned and got back to work, his finger circling occasionally as his mouth moved over the now rock hard erection. For all his whining, obviously Sean’s body wasn’t as upset about the whole situation than his mind was. All he had to do was make sure that Viggo never heard about it and they were fine.
Sean groaned weakly, his hands dropping to play in Karl’s dark hair as the younger man worked his tricks. As soon as the fingers tightened slightly, Karl had a sneaking suspicion the guy was close and about time too; his jaw was already feeling the strain. He ran his nails over the rise of Sean’s backside to add to the mix of sensations and almost managed to get a mouthful of ‘life force’ as the blonde came with a weak cry and a stumble of the legs.
“ There we go, that wasn’t so bad was -,” Karl’s voice was almost entirely cut off as Sean grabbed hold of him and shoved him face down on the sofa. Spluttering, the younger man opened his mouth to protest and suddenly found himself with a greater thing to squeak about as Sean pressed his entire weight against him to keep him pinned to the sofa.
“ Now then,” he purred in Karl’s ear as he popped off the top to the strawberry lube. “ let’s try this again, shall we?”
Karl squirmed a little under the weight, and stiffened his entire body as he felt questing fingers suddenly turn up. There was a little squeak that was non-kitten related and the struggle increased.
“ Come on now,” purred Sean. “ Behave, remember?”
Karl growled. “ That was for the good of the world!”
“ Dave’s the world now? Jesus, he needs to go on a diet,” Sean chuckled and inserted another finger, beginning to circle it in a strawberry scented goopy way. Karl made a noise that could have been either a groan or a growl but didn’t try to buck him off any further. Sean, after all, was a persistent bastard. Just look how long it took for Boromir to die, after all.
Karl shifted his position to make it a little more comfortable, face down not being the usual way the manufacturers expected people to sit on their sofas, and felt Sean move with him.
“ Ready?” Sean murmured in his ear. Karl growled which in the Urban universe was pretty much a yes, and nudged back against the older man who had managed to get back his erection in a remarkably short period of time. What ever happened to the idea that the more senior members of the group took a break between fucks?
Considerations on that sort of thing were thrown entirely to the wind as he felt Sean press up against him; his body resisted for a moment before reluctantly allowing the intruder entrance. Karl bit his bottom lip against the sudden stretching burn that decided to flare up in his lower body, squirming against the sofa again. A hand that crept between him and the sofa suddenly increased this squirm by a hundred percent as a slightly callused hand began to touch him in time with Sean’s thrusts. On the basis that Sean managed to last a mere moment before speeding up, the friction probably could have lit half a dozen scout fires.
Karl groaned, his forehead resting on the sofa as he was slammed into it. There was a little symphony of spring squeaking as Sean increased his thrusts, Karl’s outstretched hand gripping the fabric of the sofa tighter until it was a miracle that the damned thing didn’t rip. Sean’s hand continued to stroke him, over and over, a series of groaned murmurs in his ear that was beginning to become heavily accented as Sean began to lose control for the second time in a short period. Karl only hoped the older man could remember his lines for tomorrow otherwise he was in a whole lot of shit.
Of course his own control was beginning to slip by now, his metaphorical fingertips apparently coated with butter. His breath was getting faster and faster, nails clawing the fabric like a cat trapped in a box, his mind firmly fixed on the sheer feeling of possession within him. Sean wasn’t a small guy by any means and it had been a damned long time since this sort of thing happened.
Sean groaned in his ear. How a groan could sound Yorkshire he had no idea but Sean managed to do it without too much fuss and attention, the blonde beginning to alternate between slowing and suddenly pounding into him as though he was desperate to spear a kidney. Sean’s hand continued its rough treatment of Karl’s erection but by this time Karl was happy for any type of contact just as long as it hit right there and-
“ HOLY FUCKING HELL!!” the sofa thankfully took most of his scream, a muffled curse leaking out into the room. His body gripped Sean’s erection even tighter and therefore it was just as well Sean chose that exact moment to come otherwise they were probably looking at either a trapped Bean or a serious ouch in the near future. All Karl could hear was Sean’s rough panting in his ear, the slightly damp but warm feel of Sean’s skin on his.
And then there was something else to listen to.
“ Oooh, look, there’s a way to turn someone into a crocodile….,”
Sean and Karl’s breathing suddenly stopped before erupting back into life again as they slid off the sofa and aimed glares towards the now human Dave who was peering through one of the books idly. Blue eyes lifted up in surprise and a cheerful smile emerged. Said cheerful smile hesitated as the men slowly got off the floor and began to prowl towards him, intent clear in their eyes.
“ Guys….?”
And, for now at least, there was no more talk about crocodiles.
END
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2006-10-04 01:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 02:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 02:48 pm (UTC)That was Foofy writing as its best!
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Date: 2006-10-04 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 03:36 pm (UTC)And I don't believe it is all her fault. Nope, no, not at all :D
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Date: 2006-10-04 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-05 09:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-04 06:13 pm (UTC)And hey, what librarian would ever read dodgy stories on the internet eh?!? *looks innocent* Oooh, and I really love “my left shoe is actually Orlando Bloom in disguise. The right one is Billy,” - definitely my favourite line!! hehehe...
Thank you for writing it! Now I'll have to start plotting another challenge for you...for next year! ;)
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Date: 2006-10-04 07:54 pm (UTC)You naughty plotter you - see, it only takes me over a year to write something ;). Ice Ages are speedy to me, honestly *raspberry*
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Date: 2007-03-27 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-04-13 06:38 am (UTC)pervingchecking out posts at exactly the wrong time and couldn't fit in reading it before work! Just yesterday I was thinking about something completely unrelated... (my God, do I go off on a tangent or what?), and suddenly remembered I was going to get back to this!Okay, so now I've rambled on with soddingly silly excuses... Hilarious! I love Dave the kitten! And Karl's delicious as his saviour - how convenient of him to *coughcough* dial the wrong number and get a nice Northerner to help out! Excellent laugh and hot stuff too!